your organs function poorly and your body's sound asleep as your mind runs at the speed of light and you glare so violently a glint screaming from your pupils, "someone please fix me" body struggles to survive as it shuts a mouth unable to scream: "i don't want to die"

the nape of your neck overheating after consumption of your daily rage intake, the hands of your thin arms attempting to convince you they're not shaking due to hate, but the stomach you betray is the real hero here, its hunger pangs on a 5 year-long riot, those lips on your face, that stupid fucking face (sorry, lost my cool there) those lips on your face are so easily sealed shut, and yet they bother you the most, the eyelids, you fucking know where, vibrating like the pictures that will feed its unrest. you could've faked until you made it in so many different areas, but you had to choose the silence, the passivity, the cowardice, this fucking mess you'll throw under the carpet that atop sits the sorry drum set a vessel of one of your many attempts to process the hurt from your family and friends sometimes not even intended for you but you embrace the pain that will get through and make itself at home, never to be attended to but always present in the moments you will crack and wail: "why can't i be alone? with my exacerbated reactions to actions okay to be executed I just want to be alone I deserve to be alone (the only thing i truly need is comfort in feeling lonely) just leave me alone, now, to pretend I know how to treat all the harm i contained"

I've extracted a lot of somethings out of nothings and made matters even worse it's like the only thing that matters is how much pain I deal not to myself but towards others, never what hurts the most which should but doesn't faze me and the motives seem too foolish to comprehend and if anyone were to say that they understand well, that worries me more than it helps me another day goes by and here I am in my bed but this time I got a really really really nice dream where I'm making a scene, telling myself a punchline sobbing realities, singing deep and heavy sighs and in my head, oh there you are yes you, in that invitational aura calling me your best friend and a winner, telling me you'll not leave reminding me that behind my angst there's self-fabricated peace and I woke up in a lovable lull wishing my days were eternal but I sat up wanting to lie down again thinking: "what's the fucking point, it'll never happen" and I don't mean the same old whining I mean the only thing I wanted which would be for me to stand by your side sharing anxieties and letting out "it'll be just fine I'm just having a lot of bad times it's been more than just a few weeks since I've been too scared and too weak but you are right, I can be change when I'm with you everything is OK" oh what a shame what a shame I've extracted a lot of somethings out of nothings and made matters even worse it's a curse I've cast upon myself as a punishment for being human and feeling human feelings and committing human errors and then saying human sorrys and feeling human-ly embarrassed and for every fucking time at home when I felt sorry for myself even in those moments where all I needed and deserved was feeling sorry for myself holding back tears, denying any help I preferred to stay in hell since it felt like justice when i felt like scratching the walls screaming 'what the fuck, what the fuck' jumping off the roof just to test my shitty luck living off those illusions where people hear me say "hey could it be just fine? we're both having a lot of bad times it's been more than just a few years since i've been the source of all my fears i never lost hope that i could change because when I'm with you everything is a-OK but what's to say? what could i say? from inside squirms the dying dog it never happens and it looks at me it never happens, it just stares it opens its mouth, unable to scream: "i don't want to die"

no questions to respond no answers to be taught my shame is on the spot just let it linger on my animal will hide its fangs avoiding prey, ignoring hunger pangs yet my animal will always know this territory is its own because where could it go? this home is all it knows and what else would want to live the same? with my familiar impulses i fulfill in and out of sleep recalling questions answered when responses should be questioned daydreaming or just dreaming either way avoiding reality this isn't even pleasure just foul reminders of what i am after struggling to sleep in a dream i caught up with the past where i could be alone and not want to be lonely an option, nothing more, nothing less a mistake, unfair, hurtful organs functioned clearly, body harbored no burden an animal refusing to see itself in a cell but then, i awake from the dream to never recover it in my sleep and the warmth and care linger so gently 'til it runs from the dread glaring oh so violently and i recover my reality i recover my reality i recover the sorry mutt i tamed with cheap beer and lust and i recover my reality i recover my reality i recover into surroundings of apathy towards love and it comes involuntarily like my creature of my dreams only difference is its guarantee of its eternity and i can't even feel mad can't miss the comfort of being sad i just don't want to know i can be a different kind of this animal but in the end, isn't it just a dream? no blanket, no progress, just indifference, this is our home we're wide awake from my sleep and now we are all alone

i'll make it short: yes, i couldn't sleep last night a summary repeated a few hundred times who needs the details of the thoughts of lack of life? the star is bursting as it calls us from outside i leave the house, take two steps, start sweating as i run a sudden urge to strangle the sun all this pent-up angst has to go to somewhere i need to leave my house, only foul air is present there cover my eyes from sun shafts that blind me with their care i garnish pain with laughs to try to leave them unaware but comfort creeps up as i misstep and trade a glare dry tears leave my eyes as i notice the damage done is this the price of avoiding the sun? when all the kind gestures blend in with my hate and letters of love blur and shape-shift into rage is this yellow blanket laughing with me or at my face? the fingertip kisses on these disgusting hands that construct messages of nil at my ugly demands leave me one sweat-drenched awakening away from leaving this place to learn to fly and strip my hurt from my life but as i fly, my black gut won't let me die and who am i other than love and pain inside? and how could i take my life?

there's a tyranny in your little kingdom between your ears a dictatorship of self-destruction that everyone fears it overthrew passivity and left him hanging in the guillotine the blade looms over in inertia, it's all about constructing the scene the message: "we have had enough of nothing, it is time to become something" and the former king knew exactly what that actually means revolution through his chaos, self-indulgent 'til the payoff where reaching out from rubble, the sorriest fuck of them all still trapped in the death machine remnants of brain matter return the crown and they knew what that actually means a revival of their former town there is no glory, no welcoming party just absolute tedium in their days a strange sense of guilt in everyone's gaze and accommodation in feeling eternally sorry but for an instant, you could've sworn you were called out sensory overload, it weaponizes nostalgia you can't exactly say how, but it affects everyone around and you flinch as it grabs on and says "I don't want to die" and that meant so much, you wanted to know "why" it just stared at you it was at that moment that you just knew you've felt this trace of god knows what you both latched onto it it implodes, you implode, you both cry out "i don't want to die" is this as large as i perceive? i just want to be happy but still i expect you to die i need for you to stay alive so, through all of my songs "you" will always mean "i" through all of my songs i will never let you die i won't let you die

through one too many windows seeps the blanket we must swallow but through one too few doors protrudes the tired creature we adored though one too many screens comes all the support that we receive and through imbalanced brain our heart transmits all of our pain they get too weak to let it flow organs fail us all and we deserve to at last rest but today i want to remain selfish today I will bargain for your return all the people that you love are all the people that you blessed all the sentiments we crave of ill intent, this fucking mess all too ugly for you to embrace organs fail us all and we deserve to at last rest but today i want to remain selfish if i went in his place, could we have him back? when my father tells me we will forget you soon i tell him "we won't dare, we must not undo" and he answers "good memories will eventually be all that's left" but good memories are all i have this piece of me indulges grief this piece of me laughs at my pleas this piece of me should be a crime but that piece of me crossed our eyes and you looked grateful, you lived hopeful at times, exhausted, most times, lively your battle of 8 years too long is honored through undying song i am still scared to use the stairs to clean up your end-of-life dog hairs but, shut up, paco you deserve to let go the hardest parts aren't the things we've yet to fix the hardest parts are all the things we've to deal with and i will not forget your grace, I know I can get through this and i will not forget your face, I know I can get through this and i will not forget your place, I know I can get through this but i wish i could have at least said goodbye

I never write songs of romance but all of my songs are of love every ugly nook and cranny big, black and abysmal love every misuse of my voice every chord I create blood dripping from my open arms milk & honey is the name the same hesitation you call cowardice is the same vulnerability you applaud which is the same vulnerability you run away from which is the same hesitation you call cowardice but loved people hurt people, and hurt people love people so I sing this song for you, 'cause I know you love me too I never write songs of romance but all of my songs are of love every time you rip me a new one I know exactly where you're coming from and I try to reach into you as you transpire distrust to the point where we both feel i should've given up by now but then, who would take care of us? some threads I desperately preserve send signals of rage I don't deserve and the love I return that I believe it deserves is the worst pain I could have injured but hurt people love people, and loved people hurt people still, I sing this song for you, 'cause I know you love me too my organs function poorly, but this heart still beats as my mind runs at the speed of light to recognize peace and, as for you I'm well aware I lash out towards you too and I'm sorry for what we've come to do but hurt people hurt people, it's an ugly thing called love so i sing this song for you i know you love me too

I would often go there To the tiny church there The smallest church in Sussex Though it once was larger How the rill may rest there Down through the mist there Toward the Seven Sisters Toward those white cliffs there I would often stay there In the tiny yard there I have been so glad here Looking forward to the past here But now you are alone None of this matters at all